Guy walks into a bar and proceeds to get drunk, the bartender said, ‘You must have problems at home.’ ‘Yeah the drunk said, it started with a big fight with my wife, said she wasn’t gonna speak to me for one month.’ ‘That’s not so bad,’ replied the bartender. The drunk took another drink and said, ‘Yeah but today is the last day.’
Redneck Medical Terms
Artery…The study of paintings.
Benign…What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria…Back door to cafeteria.
Barium…What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section…A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan…Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize…Made eye contact with her.
Colic…A sheep dog.
Coma…A punctuation mark.
D&C…Where Washington is.
Dilate…To live long.
Enema…Not a friend.
Fester…Quicker than someone else.
Fibula…A small lie.
Genital…Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series…World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail…What you hang your coat on.
Impotent…Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain…Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff…A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid…A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates…Cheaper than day rates.
Node…I knew it.
Outpatient…A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear…A fatherhood test.
Pelvis…Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative…A letter carrier.
Recovery Room…Place to do upholstery.
Rectum…Darn near killed him.
Secretion…Hiding something
Seizure…Roman emperor.
Tablet…A small table.
Terminal Illness…Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor…More than one.
Urine…Opposite of you’re out
Varicose…Near by
good to see some humour around here 
I like to ad to that the following, as I feel for the guy because, I had words with my wife last night, and she replied with paragraphs… (be honest guys we all been there LOL).
H>
Why did the gypsy walk funny?
Because he had crystal balls.
:lol: :lol:
A cop was sitting along the side of the road, in a rural area of the west, waiting for speeders. He wasn
If you have the urge to run around the house naked, take a whiff of windex…it will keep you from streaking.
:lol: :lol:
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife. ‘They’re on sale, only $10
for 24 cans,’ he replies…
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
And puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband. ‘Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’
On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’
If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts
and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week… Why?
The CEO said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
Misleading signs.
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUTSign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRSSign in an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKENSign in an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARDSign outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESSSpotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CARSeen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOORNotice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGESMessage on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONSSign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER - PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
A Texas Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because
he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the
statewide safety competition. “What are you going to do with the money?”
asked the patrolman. “Well, I guess I’m going to get a driver’s license,” he
answered. “Oh, don’t listen to him,” yelled a woman in the passenger seat.
“He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.” This woke up the guy in the back-seat,
who took one look at the cop and moaned, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a
stolen car.” At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice
said, in Spanish, “Are we over the border yet?”
Wayne and Edna
Wayne and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Wayne would say,
‘Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter’
Edna always replied,
‘I know Wayne, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks’
One year Wayne and Edna went to the fair,
and Wayne said,
‘Edna, I’m 75 years old.
If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance’
To this, Edna replied,
"Wayne that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty
bucks’
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If
you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t
charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’
Wayne and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word…
When they landed, the pilot turned to Wayne and said,
‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn’t.
I’m impressed!’
Wayne replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know,
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!’
Funny!!
Three year old Rivka Goldstein walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with her mother in the doctor
That’s funny
Last Sunday Sermon
Preacher said today,s sermon is "the evil,s of alcohol"
First he said, If i had all the beer in the world i,d dump it in the river.
Second he said, if i had all the wine in the world i,d dump it in the river.
Lastly he summed it up saying, if i had all the whisky in the world i,d dump it in the river.
The choir tentavly chimed in saying, For our last hymn we will sing "Shall we gather at the river"
I have deleted one of the jokes posted in this thread, I would direct anyone who has a problem with that to the restrictions they agreed to when registering for this forum. In other words let’s keep it clean and family oriented folks.
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, "Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.
He never heard the shot…
THE OLD MOTOR…
The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, ‘This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?’
The old man said, ‘You got to keep the old motor running.’
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, ‘Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?’
The old man grinned and said, “You just gotta keep the old motor running.”
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, ‘Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?’
The old man replied, ‘It’s like I’ve told you before, you got to keep the old motor running.’
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: ‘Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one’s black.’